Monday, June 18, 2012

My Euphoria

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. Not that I should, and for the most part I don't. If you don't like what you see, then don't look. At certain times though when that little villain in my head grabs his mega phone and shouts "They think you are a loser!" over and over, I can't help but wonder. My current living situation is not outstanding at best. I am not in denial over that fact. I live with my "husband" who has lied, cheated, and can be down right cruel at times. To the blessed folk out there who have never been in such a situation as this, I may look weak and a tad vapid. For those who have been there you know things run much deeper. It has taken me years to even step up enough and say "I am not happy", "I need to leave", "I deserve better". Finding that inner strength is something that one has to do on their own. It's a process that can take your breath away and leave you feeling empty and abandoned. As hard as this maybe it was only one of the first steps I had to take, and many more to come. I do not understand why this is something that very rarely gets credit, this process or whatever you want to call is something that doesn't just happen over night. It takes time, planning, and bravery. Though all of it seems to be over looked. At the moment I feel as if the people in my life only see the end result. Leaving...

Everyone has one of those friends that bitch about things in their life yet never change their situation, never do anything to change what it is they are bitching about. I feel like I have become that person to my friends. Maybe I have. After years of complaining and bitching about my home life, they do not want to hear it anymore. I have stopped talking to many of them about it. It can be easy to make things look black and white when you are not going through it. However, I see all 50 shades of my fucked up grey. I also see the one shade of breath taking color that brings tears to my eyes when I think of it's beauty. I know certain people in my life only want whats best for me, they want me to be happy. Why can they not understand it takes time. My happiness isn't going to just fall in my lap once I am divorced. I have work to do on my self. For me to find happiness I have to look at what caused me to attract the things that are causing all this affliction in my life right now. It's like pulling weeds. If you don't get that weed by the root it is going to keep growing back until you do. My roots, both blissful and dark, need to be brought up and looked at to find where this little red haired girl lost her self worth. I want to know where I stopped trying. I will find it. I want my son to know that his mother was strong, that she worked hard and made her way through life. That she looked with fear in the eyes, laughed, and kept going. Me, myself, and I are the beaten path to find my bliss. It's not an easy path to walk down, but it's the path I have chosen. Because on the other end is health, euphoria, and prosperity.


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