Change

I have always known there was something bigger then myself. A mystic force.  I call it God, though others call it different things. I go through phases in my life where I want to learn more about this force, other times I run away from it. Sometimes I feel as if the faster I run, the stronger the force gets. I look at my life and there is so much crazy in it that all I can do at times is laugh. I have little passion, lost dreams, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't even know who I am. When I was younger I had such spark. Now I have a failed marriage, lost friends, and my ambition is gone. So what if this force, my God, is calling out to me through all these things. What if I need to change. And there it is, that word, Change. So many of us is afraid of this word but it happens with or without our consent. To change can mean to transfer or convert, or to transfer from one to another. I need change. I need to change. I need something more then the way I have been living. I mean, I couldn't even tell you what I want out of life right now. I'm 27, that's not supposed to happen when you 27.

I know all to well that I don't have the privilege to play Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. But with the right state of mind and the right tools, I wont have to go to Bali. This week alone I have had lots of change. Its time to embrace it! My favorite time of year is around the corner. Everything from what I see, smell, and taste makes me fall in love with Autumn. It's a great time to learn to fall in love with myself. I have taken tiny steps to prepare for this. I've let got of lovers and friends. For myself, I need to fallow through with finding whatever it is that needs finding with in myself.

All you need is love?

Is love enough to keep a relationship going? Rather it be marriage or not. I have so many contradicting feelings towards this subject. For a person like myself that has a love complex maybe that's normal. A friend of mine is going through some issues that creates kindred feelings for us both. I was telling her I envision myself almost at war. I see myself in full mid-evil armor with my sward drawn high fighting for.... Myself, happiness, life, and maybe love. If I would have fought for my self all those years ago I would be in such a different place. I didn't though, and I have to let that go. I am just now starting to fight. Better late then never I guess.

I wonder if I would have fought earlier on in my marriage would we have made it. Anyone that's married knows that's its not all unicorns and rainbows. It takes work on both parts. When I was 20, I had no damn clue or even cared about what that meant. I thought how hard can it be? Oh how very wrong I was. I see people I know now making similar naive mistakes. I am trying to swallow my tongue when around such situations. We all have to learn on our own. I just hope they don't have to go as far as I did in learning what marriage really means. I'm not sure even now I know. This generation has such a contorted view on marriage. I could blog on that subject alone.

Love is such a powerful thing. It causes blurred vision and poor decision making. But is it enough? I myself, say no. At least now that's how I feel. Don't get me wrong I believe in love, but its just not enough. Love cant fix problems if who you love doesn't want them fixed. It doesn't put food on the table or keep your children warm at night. Though it can make you smile. It can make you laugh until you cry. It can bring happiness and make you feel as if you can do anything. Love can make you feel alive. I guess there has to be an even ground of love and practicality. So in hindsight,love isn't enough.

What is this feeling?

I have had this very unsettling felling of discomfort lately. I almost cant put my finger on it, buts its a combination of guilt and unrest. I cant sleep at night though at the same time I am tired all the time. That's only making it worse. You know that feeling you get when you were a child, when an adult says your name while you are doing something that you shouldn't be doing and you jump? That's what I feel like.

What am I doing to make me feel this way? Maybe I am just sick of all the bull shit. Though it feels like its more then that. There is the constant mommy guilt that most mothers have for one reason or another. Mine is running a little deeper at the moment thanks to regret. I wish I could do so much more for my little man.

Maybe that's it. Regret, or should I say the past. My past. I am not very good about letting things go. How do you forgive yourself for decisions that you made when you were to young and to dumb to know at what coast you were making them. Have you ever heard of the term " Don't should all over yourself."? I should all over the damn place. I should have stayed in college, I should of had more self worth, I should of listened  to what people were trying to tell me. There is nothing I can do about all the shoulds. If your facing your past, it makes it awful hard to face your future. I heard someone say this past week, that's why they make rear view mirrors so small. You need to be paying attention to what is ahead of you.

To Pissy For Therapy?

I thought that it would be a good move on my part to start going to therapy. So there is a man at the church I have been going to, that is a licensed therapist. I was so proud of myself for taking yet another step on the road to healing!! I know that I have many issues that need addressing. I also know I need to let go and forgive things that happen in my past. So with my head held up high I walk in to this small, musty smelling house that sits across from my church. Having not met my new therapist I had no idea what to expect. As soon as I walk in the front door I was ushered into another small room and was told to shut the door until he (my therapist)  comes and gets me. I am sitting in this folding chair with high hopes of healing. How wrong I was. Within a few minutes my therapist ( lets call him Bob) comes and gets me. Bob ushers me into another small room, I have a seat and Bob excuses himself. With in minutes he is back with a small brown sack.

There was a lot of build up for me to even walk into this kind of situation. Like I said I know I needed it, but could I do it? I had two fears; One was that because this was a christian setting I would be told that I needed to work things out with my "husband", the other was I had no idea where to start? When you have as much shenanigans in your life as me, there is no good starting place. Friends assured me that Bob would start the conversation and everything else would fall in place. Well, that was a load of BOLOGNA!!

With small brown sack in hand Bob takes his seat across from me and asks, " Well Tiffany, why are you here?" REALLY!?!? I calmly say that I have no idea where to start. With a snort Bob declares he hears that a lot. You think? I found myself now looking around for some sort of certificate or diploma. I begin to dive in to my white trash story of my husband. How we started, what happen, and now the end. Few questions are asked, though I noticed that when Bob spoke he never would look at me. Half way through my explanation to why I am here he interrupts me to ask if I mind if he has a snack. Apparently Bob hasn't eaten since 5:30. What am I going to say that? " No Bob. I feel that is highly unprofessional." COME ON! As Bob finish his yogurt I continue my story. I was talking about friends and how they are trying to be supportive of my decision on leaving my husband. Bob asks " Why do your friends feel it is the right thing for you to leave him?" Ummm, HELLO? Have you been listening to to what I am saying or was your yogurt to delicious for you to pay attention? Maybe this is my problem- Am I to bitchy for therapy? I respond " Because that's what I want". Bob nods.

After my story comes to an end there is nothing but silence. I didn't know if I made him bored and maybe he fell asleep with his eyes open. Or maybe he was dumb founded. I go with the latter and say " I know, I have some issues." Bob laughs and says, "Yes, You do." For the next five minutes Bob is talking. Though I can't tell you a damn word the man said. I was to hung up over how the hell you can do this for a living when you can't even look your patient in the eyes when speaking to them. Next thing I know my time is up and I have an appointment for next week. I get to my car and wonder, what the hell just happen.

I decide to give it one more chance. I show up for my second session knowing if this doesn't go better I won't be back. I am going to make this part short for you. Bobs snack this time was a nice sandwich on whole wheat. I was interrupted at one point with Bob telling me that what I was saying wasn't important and he didn't want to talk about that. And lastly, with 20 minutes left of my session Bob looks at me and says " Are we done?" Why yes BOB! We are done.

Needless to say I didn't go back this week.

This is my new form of therapy! :)

He loves me

There isn't many things in this life I live in that makes me feel loved. I know I am loved by my parents and family. I know my son thinks I hung the moon. Though I don't feel it. I have learned that love is something I have never felt for some reason or another. It is a pain and emptiness that only another kindred spirit can feel. I long for it, to feel loved. I just wish I knew where I lost that feeling at. There is one thing lately that gives it to me. There is a song by Jason Mraz called "I wont give up". It's my God song. I believe that God is my father, and has a love for me that no other human could even try to mimic. When I listen to the words to this song, it's  like it was written just to remind me of Gods love. I feel His love, just for the few moments that this song lasts. And it makes me smile.

In my mind I picture this mighty man behind me, rubbing my shoulders. Telling me I'm worth it. He wont give up on us, on me. Supporting me in my fight. Preparing me for whats left to come. There is some kind of healing in it. I know it may sound silly, but it's my communication to God right now. When you are a person as broken as me, that feels so empty and heart broken on a daily basis, you take what you can get. In Gods eyes I am worth so much, and I know He has a plan for me. Though at this moment I couldn't tell you what God is doing with me, I believe He is in fact working on me and my life. It takes all I have not to question what He is doing, and some days I do. It is my job now to trust Him. One of the hardest things for me to do is let go. But that's just what I am doing, letting go. He has been waiting patiently for me. I'm here now though. And I trust you God. Thank you for your love. It's whats getting me through.

For the Love of God, or not....

It has taken me over 10 years to get my hind end back in church. As soon as I start going back, I see what made me so sick and why I left. RELIGION. Organized religion can get so messy and petty. Me, the simpleton I have always been (hahaha), thought it was supposed to be about the higher power. Though again and again I am proven wrong. I have studied different religions throughout the past years, and they are all the same. The morals and missions of each is at the same core, resting in love. Living in the south as I do you find lots of Jesus loving bible thumpers trying to save you from eternal damnation. For me, these stereotypical Christians make me want to scream and run as far as I can. The biggest reason I feel this way is because of the judgment they place on other religions, people, and way of life. Before I continue my rant let me say, I am a Christian. It has taken my years to admit it again. Not because of who I believe in, I have no shame in believing in Jesus Christ, but because of stereotypical Christians. From what I have seen of some Christians and some of the things they do, I want no part of.

Matthew 7:1-5 
Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Why do people in the church feel the need to judge others so harshly? We all do thing we shouldn't. We say things we shouldn't. We act in ways we shouldn't. Isn't that between ourselves and God?

What Dreams May Come.

Do you remember being a child and having such amazing aspirations for yourself? Then do yo remember when you let them go? I used to have such big plans. I wanted to become an actress. It was more then a childhood dream. I had a passion that I cant even put into words. Its was all I wanted, and I just knew, that one day I wold get there. For little girls you dream, of your wedding, down to every detail. The flowers, cake, colors, music, dresses. I could go on and on. When did I let this go? When did I let me go?

At this point and time I can not answer that. I wish I knew.Now I am mommy. Within the past month I have taken the steps to let go of my dreams. It's a heart shattering thing to do, letting go of dreams. The truth is, I think I let go of them a long time ago. I do not recall the exact moment. My life has been filled with so much heart ache and desperation for the past few years, it can be hard to hold on to anything. When you get to the point where you start to feel yourself fade, that's when you know, it's time to make a change.For the first time in my life, I am ok with the white picket fence. I am ok with normal. Matter of fact, I crave it. Someone recently pointed out to me that even from my childhood up until now, my life has been anything but easy, normal. I have never really thought of it that way. I have always made excesses for events and people in my life. That's a family trait. But not now. I will no longer do that for anyone. I have to take responsibility for my life, and so do you.

I believe in God. In fact He is one of the few things I still believe in. So here I am God. I am ready!! You hear my words and can see my pain. I am willing and ready to do whatever You want.