Change

I have always known there was something bigger then myself. A mystic force.  I call it God, though others call it different things. I go through phases in my life where I want to learn more about this force, other times I run away from it. Sometimes I feel as if the faster I run, the stronger the force gets. I look at my life and there is so much crazy in it that all I can do at times is laugh. I have little passion, lost dreams, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't even know who I am. When I was younger I had such spark. Now I have a failed marriage, lost friends, and my ambition is gone. So what if this force, my God, is calling out to me through all these things. What if I need to change. And there it is, that word, Change. So many of us is afraid of this word but it happens with or without our consent. To change can mean to transfer or convert, or to transfer from one to another. I need change. I need to change. I need something more then the way I have been living. I mean, I couldn't even tell you what I want out of life right now. I'm 27, that's not supposed to happen when you 27.

I know all to well that I don't have the privilege to play Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. But with the right state of mind and the right tools, I wont have to go to Bali. This week alone I have had lots of change. Its time to embrace it! My favorite time of year is around the corner. Everything from what I see, smell, and taste makes me fall in love with Autumn. It's a great time to learn to fall in love with myself. I have taken tiny steps to prepare for this. I've let got of lovers and friends. For myself, I need to fallow through with finding whatever it is that needs finding with in myself.

What Dreams May Come.

Do you remember being a child and having such amazing aspirations for yourself? Then do yo remember when you let them go? I used to have such big plans. I wanted to become an actress. It was more then a childhood dream. I had a passion that I cant even put into words. Its was all I wanted, and I just knew, that one day I wold get there. For little girls you dream, of your wedding, down to every detail. The flowers, cake, colors, music, dresses. I could go on and on. When did I let this go? When did I let me go?

At this point and time I can not answer that. I wish I knew.Now I am mommy. Within the past month I have taken the steps to let go of my dreams. It's a heart shattering thing to do, letting go of dreams. The truth is, I think I let go of them a long time ago. I do not recall the exact moment. My life has been filled with so much heart ache and desperation for the past few years, it can be hard to hold on to anything. When you get to the point where you start to feel yourself fade, that's when you know, it's time to make a change.For the first time in my life, I am ok with the white picket fence. I am ok with normal. Matter of fact, I crave it. Someone recently pointed out to me that even from my childhood up until now, my life has been anything but easy, normal. I have never really thought of it that way. I have always made excesses for events and people in my life. That's a family trait. But not now. I will no longer do that for anyone. I have to take responsibility for my life, and so do you.

I believe in God. In fact He is one of the few things I still believe in. So here I am God. I am ready!! You hear my words and can see my pain. I am willing and ready to do whatever You want.