Change

I have always known there was something bigger then myself. A mystic force.  I call it God, though others call it different things. I go through phases in my life where I want to learn more about this force, other times I run away from it. Sometimes I feel as if the faster I run, the stronger the force gets. I look at my life and there is so much crazy in it that all I can do at times is laugh. I have little passion, lost dreams, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't even know who I am. When I was younger I had such spark. Now I have a failed marriage, lost friends, and my ambition is gone. So what if this force, my God, is calling out to me through all these things. What if I need to change. And there it is, that word, Change. So many of us is afraid of this word but it happens with or without our consent. To change can mean to transfer or convert, or to transfer from one to another. I need change. I need to change. I need something more then the way I have been living. I mean, I couldn't even tell you what I want out of life right now. I'm 27, that's not supposed to happen when you 27.

I know all to well that I don't have the privilege to play Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. But with the right state of mind and the right tools, I wont have to go to Bali. This week alone I have had lots of change. Its time to embrace it! My favorite time of year is around the corner. Everything from what I see, smell, and taste makes me fall in love with Autumn. It's a great time to learn to fall in love with myself. I have taken tiny steps to prepare for this. I've let got of lovers and friends. For myself, I need to fallow through with finding whatever it is that needs finding with in myself.

All you need is love?

Is love enough to keep a relationship going? Rather it be marriage or not. I have so many contradicting feelings towards this subject. For a person like myself that has a love complex maybe that's normal. A friend of mine is going through some issues that creates kindred feelings for us both. I was telling her I envision myself almost at war. I see myself in full mid-evil armor with my sward drawn high fighting for.... Myself, happiness, life, and maybe love. If I would have fought for my self all those years ago I would be in such a different place. I didn't though, and I have to let that go. I am just now starting to fight. Better late then never I guess.

I wonder if I would have fought earlier on in my marriage would we have made it. Anyone that's married knows that's its not all unicorns and rainbows. It takes work on both parts. When I was 20, I had no damn clue or even cared about what that meant. I thought how hard can it be? Oh how very wrong I was. I see people I know now making similar naive mistakes. I am trying to swallow my tongue when around such situations. We all have to learn on our own. I just hope they don't have to go as far as I did in learning what marriage really means. I'm not sure even now I know. This generation has such a contorted view on marriage. I could blog on that subject alone.

Love is such a powerful thing. It causes blurred vision and poor decision making. But is it enough? I myself, say no. At least now that's how I feel. Don't get me wrong I believe in love, but its just not enough. Love cant fix problems if who you love doesn't want them fixed. It doesn't put food on the table or keep your children warm at night. Though it can make you smile. It can make you laugh until you cry. It can bring happiness and make you feel as if you can do anything. Love can make you feel alive. I guess there has to be an even ground of love and practicality. So in hindsight,love isn't enough.

He loves me

There isn't many things in this life I live in that makes me feel loved. I know I am loved by my parents and family. I know my son thinks I hung the moon. Though I don't feel it. I have learned that love is something I have never felt for some reason or another. It is a pain and emptiness that only another kindred spirit can feel. I long for it, to feel loved. I just wish I knew where I lost that feeling at. There is one thing lately that gives it to me. There is a song by Jason Mraz called "I wont give up". It's my God song. I believe that God is my father, and has a love for me that no other human could even try to mimic. When I listen to the words to this song, it's  like it was written just to remind me of Gods love. I feel His love, just for the few moments that this song lasts. And it makes me smile.

In my mind I picture this mighty man behind me, rubbing my shoulders. Telling me I'm worth it. He wont give up on us, on me. Supporting me in my fight. Preparing me for whats left to come. There is some kind of healing in it. I know it may sound silly, but it's my communication to God right now. When you are a person as broken as me, that feels so empty and heart broken on a daily basis, you take what you can get. In Gods eyes I am worth so much, and I know He has a plan for me. Though at this moment I couldn't tell you what God is doing with me, I believe He is in fact working on me and my life. It takes all I have not to question what He is doing, and some days I do. It is my job now to trust Him. One of the hardest things for me to do is let go. But that's just what I am doing, letting go. He has been waiting patiently for me. I'm here now though. And I trust you God. Thank you for your love. It's whats getting me through.

For the Love of God, or not....

It has taken me over 10 years to get my hind end back in church. As soon as I start going back, I see what made me so sick and why I left. RELIGION. Organized religion can get so messy and petty. Me, the simpleton I have always been (hahaha), thought it was supposed to be about the higher power. Though again and again I am proven wrong. I have studied different religions throughout the past years, and they are all the same. The morals and missions of each is at the same core, resting in love. Living in the south as I do you find lots of Jesus loving bible thumpers trying to save you from eternal damnation. For me, these stereotypical Christians make me want to scream and run as far as I can. The biggest reason I feel this way is because of the judgment they place on other religions, people, and way of life. Before I continue my rant let me say, I am a Christian. It has taken my years to admit it again. Not because of who I believe in, I have no shame in believing in Jesus Christ, but because of stereotypical Christians. From what I have seen of some Christians and some of the things they do, I want no part of.

Matthew 7:1-5 
Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Why do people in the church feel the need to judge others so harshly? We all do thing we shouldn't. We say things we shouldn't. We act in ways we shouldn't. Isn't that between ourselves and God?

What Dreams May Come.

Do you remember being a child and having such amazing aspirations for yourself? Then do yo remember when you let them go? I used to have such big plans. I wanted to become an actress. It was more then a childhood dream. I had a passion that I cant even put into words. Its was all I wanted, and I just knew, that one day I wold get there. For little girls you dream, of your wedding, down to every detail. The flowers, cake, colors, music, dresses. I could go on and on. When did I let this go? When did I let me go?

At this point and time I can not answer that. I wish I knew.Now I am mommy. Within the past month I have taken the steps to let go of my dreams. It's a heart shattering thing to do, letting go of dreams. The truth is, I think I let go of them a long time ago. I do not recall the exact moment. My life has been filled with so much heart ache and desperation for the past few years, it can be hard to hold on to anything. When you get to the point where you start to feel yourself fade, that's when you know, it's time to make a change.For the first time in my life, I am ok with the white picket fence. I am ok with normal. Matter of fact, I crave it. Someone recently pointed out to me that even from my childhood up until now, my life has been anything but easy, normal. I have never really thought of it that way. I have always made excesses for events and people in my life. That's a family trait. But not now. I will no longer do that for anyone. I have to take responsibility for my life, and so do you.

I believe in God. In fact He is one of the few things I still believe in. So here I am God. I am ready!! You hear my words and can see my pain. I am willing and ready to do whatever You want.

My Euphoria

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. Not that I should, and for the most part I don't. If you don't like what you see, then don't look. At certain times though when that little villain in my head grabs his mega phone and shouts "They think you are a loser!" over and over, I can't help but wonder. My current living situation is not outstanding at best. I am not in denial over that fact. I live with my "husband" who has lied, cheated, and can be down right cruel at times. To the blessed folk out there who have never been in such a situation as this, I may look weak and a tad vapid. For those who have been there you know things run much deeper. It has taken me years to even step up enough and say "I am not happy", "I need to leave", "I deserve better". Finding that inner strength is something that one has to do on their own. It's a process that can take your breath away and leave you feeling empty and abandoned. As hard as this maybe it was only one of the first steps I had to take, and many more to come. I do not understand why this is something that very rarely gets credit, this process or whatever you want to call is something that doesn't just happen over night. It takes time, planning, and bravery. Though all of it seems to be over looked. At the moment I feel as if the people in my life only see the end result. Leaving...

Everyone has one of those friends that bitch about things in their life yet never change their situation, never do anything to change what it is they are bitching about. I feel like I have become that person to my friends. Maybe I have. After years of complaining and bitching about my home life, they do not want to hear it anymore. I have stopped talking to many of them about it. It can be easy to make things look black and white when you are not going through it. However, I see all 50 shades of my fucked up grey. I also see the one shade of breath taking color that brings tears to my eyes when I think of it's beauty. I know certain people in my life only want whats best for me, they want me to be happy. Why can they not understand it takes time. My happiness isn't going to just fall in my lap once I am divorced. I have work to do on my self. For me to find happiness I have to look at what caused me to attract the things that are causing all this affliction in my life right now. It's like pulling weeds. If you don't get that weed by the root it is going to keep growing back until you do. My roots, both blissful and dark, need to be brought up and looked at to find where this little red haired girl lost her self worth. I want to know where I stopped trying. I will find it. I want my son to know that his mother was strong, that she worked hard and made her way through life. That she looked with fear in the eyes, laughed, and kept going. Me, myself, and I are the beaten path to find my bliss. It's not an easy path to walk down, but it's the path I have chosen. Because on the other end is health, euphoria, and prosperity.