Change

I have always known there was something bigger then myself. A mystic force.  I call it God, though others call it different things. I go through phases in my life where I want to learn more about this force, other times I run away from it. Sometimes I feel as if the faster I run, the stronger the force gets. I look at my life and there is so much crazy in it that all I can do at times is laugh. I have little passion, lost dreams, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't even know who I am. When I was younger I had such spark. Now I have a failed marriage, lost friends, and my ambition is gone. So what if this force, my God, is calling out to me through all these things. What if I need to change. And there it is, that word, Change. So many of us is afraid of this word but it happens with or without our consent. To change can mean to transfer or convert, or to transfer from one to another. I need change. I need to change. I need something more then the way I have been living. I mean, I couldn't even tell you what I want out of life right now. I'm 27, that's not supposed to happen when you 27.

I know all to well that I don't have the privilege to play Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. But with the right state of mind and the right tools, I wont have to go to Bali. This week alone I have had lots of change. Its time to embrace it! My favorite time of year is around the corner. Everything from what I see, smell, and taste makes me fall in love with Autumn. It's a great time to learn to fall in love with myself. I have taken tiny steps to prepare for this. I've let got of lovers and friends. For myself, I need to fallow through with finding whatever it is that needs finding with in myself.

All you need is love?

Is love enough to keep a relationship going? Rather it be marriage or not. I have so many contradicting feelings towards this subject. For a person like myself that has a love complex maybe that's normal. A friend of mine is going through some issues that creates kindred feelings for us both. I was telling her I envision myself almost at war. I see myself in full mid-evil armor with my sward drawn high fighting for.... Myself, happiness, life, and maybe love. If I would have fought for my self all those years ago I would be in such a different place. I didn't though, and I have to let that go. I am just now starting to fight. Better late then never I guess.

I wonder if I would have fought earlier on in my marriage would we have made it. Anyone that's married knows that's its not all unicorns and rainbows. It takes work on both parts. When I was 20, I had no damn clue or even cared about what that meant. I thought how hard can it be? Oh how very wrong I was. I see people I know now making similar naive mistakes. I am trying to swallow my tongue when around such situations. We all have to learn on our own. I just hope they don't have to go as far as I did in learning what marriage really means. I'm not sure even now I know. This generation has such a contorted view on marriage. I could blog on that subject alone.

Love is such a powerful thing. It causes blurred vision and poor decision making. But is it enough? I myself, say no. At least now that's how I feel. Don't get me wrong I believe in love, but its just not enough. Love cant fix problems if who you love doesn't want them fixed. It doesn't put food on the table or keep your children warm at night. Though it can make you smile. It can make you laugh until you cry. It can bring happiness and make you feel as if you can do anything. Love can make you feel alive. I guess there has to be an even ground of love and practicality. So in hindsight,love isn't enough.

What is this feeling?

I have had this very unsettling felling of discomfort lately. I almost cant put my finger on it, buts its a combination of guilt and unrest. I cant sleep at night though at the same time I am tired all the time. That's only making it worse. You know that feeling you get when you were a child, when an adult says your name while you are doing something that you shouldn't be doing and you jump? That's what I feel like.

What am I doing to make me feel this way? Maybe I am just sick of all the bull shit. Though it feels like its more then that. There is the constant mommy guilt that most mothers have for one reason or another. Mine is running a little deeper at the moment thanks to regret. I wish I could do so much more for my little man.

Maybe that's it. Regret, or should I say the past. My past. I am not very good about letting things go. How do you forgive yourself for decisions that you made when you were to young and to dumb to know at what coast you were making them. Have you ever heard of the term " Don't should all over yourself."? I should all over the damn place. I should have stayed in college, I should of had more self worth, I should of listened  to what people were trying to tell me. There is nothing I can do about all the shoulds. If your facing your past, it makes it awful hard to face your future. I heard someone say this past week, that's why they make rear view mirrors so small. You need to be paying attention to what is ahead of you.