Change

I have always known there was something bigger then myself. A mystic force.  I call it God, though others call it different things. I go through phases in my life where I want to learn more about this force, other times I run away from it. Sometimes I feel as if the faster I run, the stronger the force gets. I look at my life and there is so much crazy in it that all I can do at times is laugh. I have little passion, lost dreams, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't even know who I am. When I was younger I had such spark. Now I have a failed marriage, lost friends, and my ambition is gone. So what if this force, my God, is calling out to me through all these things. What if I need to change. And there it is, that word, Change. So many of us is afraid of this word but it happens with or without our consent. To change can mean to transfer or convert, or to transfer from one to another. I need change. I need to change. I need something more then the way I have been living. I mean, I couldn't even tell you what I want out of life right now. I'm 27, that's not supposed to happen when you 27.

I know all to well that I don't have the privilege to play Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. But with the right state of mind and the right tools, I wont have to go to Bali. This week alone I have had lots of change. Its time to embrace it! My favorite time of year is around the corner. Everything from what I see, smell, and taste makes me fall in love with Autumn. It's a great time to learn to fall in love with myself. I have taken tiny steps to prepare for this. I've let got of lovers and friends. For myself, I need to fallow through with finding whatever it is that needs finding with in myself.

He loves me

There isn't many things in this life I live in that makes me feel loved. I know I am loved by my parents and family. I know my son thinks I hung the moon. Though I don't feel it. I have learned that love is something I have never felt for some reason or another. It is a pain and emptiness that only another kindred spirit can feel. I long for it, to feel loved. I just wish I knew where I lost that feeling at. There is one thing lately that gives it to me. There is a song by Jason Mraz called "I wont give up". It's my God song. I believe that God is my father, and has a love for me that no other human could even try to mimic. When I listen to the words to this song, it's  like it was written just to remind me of Gods love. I feel His love, just for the few moments that this song lasts. And it makes me smile.

In my mind I picture this mighty man behind me, rubbing my shoulders. Telling me I'm worth it. He wont give up on us, on me. Supporting me in my fight. Preparing me for whats left to come. There is some kind of healing in it. I know it may sound silly, but it's my communication to God right now. When you are a person as broken as me, that feels so empty and heart broken on a daily basis, you take what you can get. In Gods eyes I am worth so much, and I know He has a plan for me. Though at this moment I couldn't tell you what God is doing with me, I believe He is in fact working on me and my life. It takes all I have not to question what He is doing, and some days I do. It is my job now to trust Him. One of the hardest things for me to do is let go. But that's just what I am doing, letting go. He has been waiting patiently for me. I'm here now though. And I trust you God. Thank you for your love. It's whats getting me through.

For the Love of God, or not....

It has taken me over 10 years to get my hind end back in church. As soon as I start going back, I see what made me so sick and why I left. RELIGION. Organized religion can get so messy and petty. Me, the simpleton I have always been (hahaha), thought it was supposed to be about the higher power. Though again and again I am proven wrong. I have studied different religions throughout the past years, and they are all the same. The morals and missions of each is at the same core, resting in love. Living in the south as I do you find lots of Jesus loving bible thumpers trying to save you from eternal damnation. For me, these stereotypical Christians make me want to scream and run as far as I can. The biggest reason I feel this way is because of the judgment they place on other religions, people, and way of life. Before I continue my rant let me say, I am a Christian. It has taken my years to admit it again. Not because of who I believe in, I have no shame in believing in Jesus Christ, but because of stereotypical Christians. From what I have seen of some Christians and some of the things they do, I want no part of.

Matthew 7:1-5 
Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Why do people in the church feel the need to judge others so harshly? We all do thing we shouldn't. We say things we shouldn't. We act in ways we shouldn't. Isn't that between ourselves and God?