Change

I have always known there was something bigger then myself. A mystic force.  I call it God, though others call it different things. I go through phases in my life where I want to learn more about this force, other times I run away from it. Sometimes I feel as if the faster I run, the stronger the force gets. I look at my life and there is so much crazy in it that all I can do at times is laugh. I have little passion, lost dreams, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't even know who I am. When I was younger I had such spark. Now I have a failed marriage, lost friends, and my ambition is gone. So what if this force, my God, is calling out to me through all these things. What if I need to change. And there it is, that word, Change. So many of us is afraid of this word but it happens with or without our consent. To change can mean to transfer or convert, or to transfer from one to another. I need change. I need to change. I need something more then the way I have been living. I mean, I couldn't even tell you what I want out of life right now. I'm 27, that's not supposed to happen when you 27.

I know all to well that I don't have the privilege to play Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. But with the right state of mind and the right tools, I wont have to go to Bali. This week alone I have had lots of change. Its time to embrace it! My favorite time of year is around the corner. Everything from what I see, smell, and taste makes me fall in love with Autumn. It's a great time to learn to fall in love with myself. I have taken tiny steps to prepare for this. I've let got of lovers and friends. For myself, I need to fallow through with finding whatever it is that needs finding with in myself.

All you need is love?

Is love enough to keep a relationship going? Rather it be marriage or not. I have so many contradicting feelings towards this subject. For a person like myself that has a love complex maybe that's normal. A friend of mine is going through some issues that creates kindred feelings for us both. I was telling her I envision myself almost at war. I see myself in full mid-evil armor with my sward drawn high fighting for.... Myself, happiness, life, and maybe love. If I would have fought for my self all those years ago I would be in such a different place. I didn't though, and I have to let that go. I am just now starting to fight. Better late then never I guess.

I wonder if I would have fought earlier on in my marriage would we have made it. Anyone that's married knows that's its not all unicorns and rainbows. It takes work on both parts. When I was 20, I had no damn clue or even cared about what that meant. I thought how hard can it be? Oh how very wrong I was. I see people I know now making similar naive mistakes. I am trying to swallow my tongue when around such situations. We all have to learn on our own. I just hope they don't have to go as far as I did in learning what marriage really means. I'm not sure even now I know. This generation has such a contorted view on marriage. I could blog on that subject alone.

Love is such a powerful thing. It causes blurred vision and poor decision making. But is it enough? I myself, say no. At least now that's how I feel. Don't get me wrong I believe in love, but its just not enough. Love cant fix problems if who you love doesn't want them fixed. It doesn't put food on the table or keep your children warm at night. Though it can make you smile. It can make you laugh until you cry. It can bring happiness and make you feel as if you can do anything. Love can make you feel alive. I guess there has to be an even ground of love and practicality. So in hindsight,love isn't enough.

What is this feeling?

I have had this very unsettling felling of discomfort lately. I almost cant put my finger on it, buts its a combination of guilt and unrest. I cant sleep at night though at the same time I am tired all the time. That's only making it worse. You know that feeling you get when you were a child, when an adult says your name while you are doing something that you shouldn't be doing and you jump? That's what I feel like.

What am I doing to make me feel this way? Maybe I am just sick of all the bull shit. Though it feels like its more then that. There is the constant mommy guilt that most mothers have for one reason or another. Mine is running a little deeper at the moment thanks to regret. I wish I could do so much more for my little man.

Maybe that's it. Regret, or should I say the past. My past. I am not very good about letting things go. How do you forgive yourself for decisions that you made when you were to young and to dumb to know at what coast you were making them. Have you ever heard of the term " Don't should all over yourself."? I should all over the damn place. I should have stayed in college, I should of had more self worth, I should of listened  to what people were trying to tell me. There is nothing I can do about all the shoulds. If your facing your past, it makes it awful hard to face your future. I heard someone say this past week, that's why they make rear view mirrors so small. You need to be paying attention to what is ahead of you.

To Pissy For Therapy?

I thought that it would be a good move on my part to start going to therapy. So there is a man at the church I have been going to, that is a licensed therapist. I was so proud of myself for taking yet another step on the road to healing!! I know that I have many issues that need addressing. I also know I need to let go and forgive things that happen in my past. So with my head held up high I walk in to this small, musty smelling house that sits across from my church. Having not met my new therapist I had no idea what to expect. As soon as I walk in the front door I was ushered into another small room and was told to shut the door until he (my therapist)  comes and gets me. I am sitting in this folding chair with high hopes of healing. How wrong I was. Within a few minutes my therapist ( lets call him Bob) comes and gets me. Bob ushers me into another small room, I have a seat and Bob excuses himself. With in minutes he is back with a small brown sack.

There was a lot of build up for me to even walk into this kind of situation. Like I said I know I needed it, but could I do it? I had two fears; One was that because this was a christian setting I would be told that I needed to work things out with my "husband", the other was I had no idea where to start? When you have as much shenanigans in your life as me, there is no good starting place. Friends assured me that Bob would start the conversation and everything else would fall in place. Well, that was a load of BOLOGNA!!

With small brown sack in hand Bob takes his seat across from me and asks, " Well Tiffany, why are you here?" REALLY!?!? I calmly say that I have no idea where to start. With a snort Bob declares he hears that a lot. You think? I found myself now looking around for some sort of certificate or diploma. I begin to dive in to my white trash story of my husband. How we started, what happen, and now the end. Few questions are asked, though I noticed that when Bob spoke he never would look at me. Half way through my explanation to why I am here he interrupts me to ask if I mind if he has a snack. Apparently Bob hasn't eaten since 5:30. What am I going to say that? " No Bob. I feel that is highly unprofessional." COME ON! As Bob finish his yogurt I continue my story. I was talking about friends and how they are trying to be supportive of my decision on leaving my husband. Bob asks " Why do your friends feel it is the right thing for you to leave him?" Ummm, HELLO? Have you been listening to to what I am saying or was your yogurt to delicious for you to pay attention? Maybe this is my problem- Am I to bitchy for therapy? I respond " Because that's what I want". Bob nods.

After my story comes to an end there is nothing but silence. I didn't know if I made him bored and maybe he fell asleep with his eyes open. Or maybe he was dumb founded. I go with the latter and say " I know, I have some issues." Bob laughs and says, "Yes, You do." For the next five minutes Bob is talking. Though I can't tell you a damn word the man said. I was to hung up over how the hell you can do this for a living when you can't even look your patient in the eyes when speaking to them. Next thing I know my time is up and I have an appointment for next week. I get to my car and wonder, what the hell just happen.

I decide to give it one more chance. I show up for my second session knowing if this doesn't go better I won't be back. I am going to make this part short for you. Bobs snack this time was a nice sandwich on whole wheat. I was interrupted at one point with Bob telling me that what I was saying wasn't important and he didn't want to talk about that. And lastly, with 20 minutes left of my session Bob looks at me and says " Are we done?" Why yes BOB! We are done.

Needless to say I didn't go back this week.

This is my new form of therapy! :)

What Dreams May Come.

Do you remember being a child and having such amazing aspirations for yourself? Then do yo remember when you let them go? I used to have such big plans. I wanted to become an actress. It was more then a childhood dream. I had a passion that I cant even put into words. Its was all I wanted, and I just knew, that one day I wold get there. For little girls you dream, of your wedding, down to every detail. The flowers, cake, colors, music, dresses. I could go on and on. When did I let this go? When did I let me go?

At this point and time I can not answer that. I wish I knew.Now I am mommy. Within the past month I have taken the steps to let go of my dreams. It's a heart shattering thing to do, letting go of dreams. The truth is, I think I let go of them a long time ago. I do not recall the exact moment. My life has been filled with so much heart ache and desperation for the past few years, it can be hard to hold on to anything. When you get to the point where you start to feel yourself fade, that's when you know, it's time to make a change.For the first time in my life, I am ok with the white picket fence. I am ok with normal. Matter of fact, I crave it. Someone recently pointed out to me that even from my childhood up until now, my life has been anything but easy, normal. I have never really thought of it that way. I have always made excesses for events and people in my life. That's a family trait. But not now. I will no longer do that for anyone. I have to take responsibility for my life, and so do you.

I believe in God. In fact He is one of the few things I still believe in. So here I am God. I am ready!! You hear my words and can see my pain. I am willing and ready to do whatever You want.

The Mob

So I have a new obsession-Mob Wives. It is the trashiest, most low class, drama filled show. And I love it!!! If you haven't seen the show, its about 4 women who all have various connections to the mob in New York. For whatever reason, these women are friends. Or try to be. All the drama pulls me in! The show has been on for a few years, though I have just started watching it, thanks to netflixs and it's lack of appealing movies. I love how these women take themselves so seriously. The fighting from pulling hair to bitch slaps keeps me coming back for more. The show it self is like an advertisement for cosmetic surgery. Big lips, big boobs, large earrings and heavy makeup must be a requirement to be on the show. My mouth just hangs open in surprise during every episode. I highly recommend checking it out.Today a dear friend and I was watching some of Season 2. My friend made the comment several times, "What is this show really about?" My answer, NOTHING!!!

These past few weeks have been some seriously long weeks. I am so clueless right now its not even funny. Meaning, I am trying to keep moving forward. I want to say that this is not going exactly well, but maybe I'm just being to hard on myself. I have been through alot, my mind just seems to get cloudy from time to time. Not working is making things difficult. I am going to go to nursing school, though to get in I need to get my CNA. I was hoping to take a 4 week CNA course, start working, and save money so I can leave Mr. I'm gonna stick it where I can get it. Mr. Stick its hours have been cut at work, making the possibility of me taking my CNA course seem more like a dream then something in my reach. I want to make the right decisions, I feel like I am just wasting time. I just wish something would happen for the good. My inner self feels a little beaten and bruised at the moment and could use a break. Tomorrow is a new day, so for now, I am going to let these thoughts go, and start looking for answers again then.

My Euphoria

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. Not that I should, and for the most part I don't. If you don't like what you see, then don't look. At certain times though when that little villain in my head grabs his mega phone and shouts "They think you are a loser!" over and over, I can't help but wonder. My current living situation is not outstanding at best. I am not in denial over that fact. I live with my "husband" who has lied, cheated, and can be down right cruel at times. To the blessed folk out there who have never been in such a situation as this, I may look weak and a tad vapid. For those who have been there you know things run much deeper. It has taken me years to even step up enough and say "I am not happy", "I need to leave", "I deserve better". Finding that inner strength is something that one has to do on their own. It's a process that can take your breath away and leave you feeling empty and abandoned. As hard as this maybe it was only one of the first steps I had to take, and many more to come. I do not understand why this is something that very rarely gets credit, this process or whatever you want to call is something that doesn't just happen over night. It takes time, planning, and bravery. Though all of it seems to be over looked. At the moment I feel as if the people in my life only see the end result. Leaving...

Everyone has one of those friends that bitch about things in their life yet never change their situation, never do anything to change what it is they are bitching about. I feel like I have become that person to my friends. Maybe I have. After years of complaining and bitching about my home life, they do not want to hear it anymore. I have stopped talking to many of them about it. It can be easy to make things look black and white when you are not going through it. However, I see all 50 shades of my fucked up grey. I also see the one shade of breath taking color that brings tears to my eyes when I think of it's beauty. I know certain people in my life only want whats best for me, they want me to be happy. Why can they not understand it takes time. My happiness isn't going to just fall in my lap once I am divorced. I have work to do on my self. For me to find happiness I have to look at what caused me to attract the things that are causing all this affliction in my life right now. It's like pulling weeds. If you don't get that weed by the root it is going to keep growing back until you do. My roots, both blissful and dark, need to be brought up and looked at to find where this little red haired girl lost her self worth. I want to know where I stopped trying. I will find it. I want my son to know that his mother was strong, that she worked hard and made her way through life. That she looked with fear in the eyes, laughed, and kept going. Me, myself, and I are the beaten path to find my bliss. It's not an easy path to walk down, but it's the path I have chosen. Because on the other end is health, euphoria, and prosperity.

Life Thus Far

Welcome to my blog-I am so excited to start this, though I should warn you this is partly for selfish reasons. I am hoping this will become some sort of outlet for me. As you get to know me, you will understand why. My name is Tiffany, and I am from Huntersville NC. It's just out side of Charlotte. I was born in Akron Ohio in 1985. Yes, I know I am young though I don't feel as young as I am. I moved to Charlotte NC when I was 11 years old with my mom, dad and sister. Due to the schools in the area my parents thought it would be best if I was home-schooled. It was a very isolating experience having just moved here. With in time my parents found a church that was starting a school, and that next fall I started. I meet friends and started to come out of my shell. I had always been a very animated child, and loved being the center of action. Even now that hasn't changed-haha! At the end of that school year we moved a little north of Charlotte and my parents found another small private school. This school was also apart of church, so I fit right in. It soon became my whole world. As I am told all good things come to an end and after some rumors and broken heart I left. It was a very dark time in my life, in fact 10 years later I find still hard to let go. The next school year my mother became sick and my father worked in Charleston SC. It became my job to nurse my mother back to health. I home-schooled myself and found I had enough credits to graduate early, so I did so. Soon after graduation I started going to a small Community College. This my friends is where the sweet little red head started to change. lol 

I can honestly say I really was a good child. Well, up until I turned 18. I had always been very involved person in church, and now I wasn't. I was trying to think of another way to put it, but there is really no other way. I had had my fill of the bible thumpers and wanted to see what all the hellions had to offer. Never really was in to drugs and I kept my legs closed till I was 18. But damn did the freedom feel good. During my new found freedom we had a family tragedy that broke my heart. I stopped going to school and started working in a daycare full time. What I was thinking I have no idea. I have always loved kids and I think I am pretty good with them, but why couldn't I have become a bartender or something. At any rate I meet my husband through a co-worker and with-in 2 weeks I moved in and after another 3 or 4 months I was pregnant. Thats right!! One classy girl I tell ya! Now that I look back on it all I was in a daze. Just going about the motions. When our son was 2 we got married. Biggest mistake I have ever made. And trust me, I have made some big ones.

My "husband" I found out, has had a 2 year long affaire, lost his job started messing with drugs here and there. To top it off, moved in and had a relationship with a 16 year old! Thats right, you didn't misread that, a 16 year old. I got a lawyer, did what I could which wasn't to much and tried to move on. My heart was broken into way to many pieces. About 8 months later I had a small stroke at work. My "husband" moved back in to help with bills, and I quit my job. Believe it or not working with children is very stressful! I thought well, he can help me go back to school. I put him through school, so he can help me now. Though he still loves me and has "left" all his messes behind, I am not the type of person to forgive and just let go. Living with someone who has hurt you so badly, not to mention what all this has done to our son, is just to hard. I am trying to find my way letting go to God, trying to build my strength up. Easier said then done right?

So this is it. This is my journey to finding my self and building a life for my son and I. I know I have some self worth in there somewhere. And I know one day, I will find someone to love me and my son.