What is this feeling?

I have had this very unsettling felling of discomfort lately. I almost cant put my finger on it, buts its a combination of guilt and unrest. I cant sleep at night though at the same time I am tired all the time. That's only making it worse. You know that feeling you get when you were a child, when an adult says your name while you are doing something that you shouldn't be doing and you jump? That's what I feel like.

What am I doing to make me feel this way? Maybe I am just sick of all the bull shit. Though it feels like its more then that. There is the constant mommy guilt that most mothers have for one reason or another. Mine is running a little deeper at the moment thanks to regret. I wish I could do so much more for my little man.

Maybe that's it. Regret, or should I say the past. My past. I am not very good about letting things go. How do you forgive yourself for decisions that you made when you were to young and to dumb to know at what coast you were making them. Have you ever heard of the term " Don't should all over yourself."? I should all over the damn place. I should have stayed in college, I should of had more self worth, I should of listened  to what people were trying to tell me. There is nothing I can do about all the shoulds. If your facing your past, it makes it awful hard to face your future. I heard someone say this past week, that's why they make rear view mirrors so small. You need to be paying attention to what is ahead of you.

What Dreams May Come.

Do you remember being a child and having such amazing aspirations for yourself? Then do yo remember when you let them go? I used to have such big plans. I wanted to become an actress. It was more then a childhood dream. I had a passion that I cant even put into words. Its was all I wanted, and I just knew, that one day I wold get there. For little girls you dream, of your wedding, down to every detail. The flowers, cake, colors, music, dresses. I could go on and on. When did I let this go? When did I let me go?

At this point and time I can not answer that. I wish I knew.Now I am mommy. Within the past month I have taken the steps to let go of my dreams. It's a heart shattering thing to do, letting go of dreams. The truth is, I think I let go of them a long time ago. I do not recall the exact moment. My life has been filled with so much heart ache and desperation for the past few years, it can be hard to hold on to anything. When you get to the point where you start to feel yourself fade, that's when you know, it's time to make a change.For the first time in my life, I am ok with the white picket fence. I am ok with normal. Matter of fact, I crave it. Someone recently pointed out to me that even from my childhood up until now, my life has been anything but easy, normal. I have never really thought of it that way. I have always made excesses for events and people in my life. That's a family trait. But not now. I will no longer do that for anyone. I have to take responsibility for my life, and so do you.

I believe in God. In fact He is one of the few things I still believe in. So here I am God. I am ready!! You hear my words and can see my pain. I am willing and ready to do whatever You want.

Life Thus Far

Welcome to my blog-I am so excited to start this, though I should warn you this is partly for selfish reasons. I am hoping this will become some sort of outlet for me. As you get to know me, you will understand why. My name is Tiffany, and I am from Huntersville NC. It's just out side of Charlotte. I was born in Akron Ohio in 1985. Yes, I know I am young though I don't feel as young as I am. I moved to Charlotte NC when I was 11 years old with my mom, dad and sister. Due to the schools in the area my parents thought it would be best if I was home-schooled. It was a very isolating experience having just moved here. With in time my parents found a church that was starting a school, and that next fall I started. I meet friends and started to come out of my shell. I had always been a very animated child, and loved being the center of action. Even now that hasn't changed-haha! At the end of that school year we moved a little north of Charlotte and my parents found another small private school. This school was also apart of church, so I fit right in. It soon became my whole world. As I am told all good things come to an end and after some rumors and broken heart I left. It was a very dark time in my life, in fact 10 years later I find still hard to let go. The next school year my mother became sick and my father worked in Charleston SC. It became my job to nurse my mother back to health. I home-schooled myself and found I had enough credits to graduate early, so I did so. Soon after graduation I started going to a small Community College. This my friends is where the sweet little red head started to change. lol 

I can honestly say I really was a good child. Well, up until I turned 18. I had always been very involved person in church, and now I wasn't. I was trying to think of another way to put it, but there is really no other way. I had had my fill of the bible thumpers and wanted to see what all the hellions had to offer. Never really was in to drugs and I kept my legs closed till I was 18. But damn did the freedom feel good. During my new found freedom we had a family tragedy that broke my heart. I stopped going to school and started working in a daycare full time. What I was thinking I have no idea. I have always loved kids and I think I am pretty good with them, but why couldn't I have become a bartender or something. At any rate I meet my husband through a co-worker and with-in 2 weeks I moved in and after another 3 or 4 months I was pregnant. Thats right!! One classy girl I tell ya! Now that I look back on it all I was in a daze. Just going about the motions. When our son was 2 we got married. Biggest mistake I have ever made. And trust me, I have made some big ones.

My "husband" I found out, has had a 2 year long affaire, lost his job started messing with drugs here and there. To top it off, moved in and had a relationship with a 16 year old! Thats right, you didn't misread that, a 16 year old. I got a lawyer, did what I could which wasn't to much and tried to move on. My heart was broken into way to many pieces. About 8 months later I had a small stroke at work. My "husband" moved back in to help with bills, and I quit my job. Believe it or not working with children is very stressful! I thought well, he can help me go back to school. I put him through school, so he can help me now. Though he still loves me and has "left" all his messes behind, I am not the type of person to forgive and just let go. Living with someone who has hurt you so badly, not to mention what all this has done to our son, is just to hard. I am trying to find my way letting go to God, trying to build my strength up. Easier said then done right?

So this is it. This is my journey to finding my self and building a life for my son and I. I know I have some self worth in there somewhere. And I know one day, I will find someone to love me and my son.