Change

I have always known there was something bigger then myself. A mystic force.  I call it God, though others call it different things. I go through phases in my life where I want to learn more about this force, other times I run away from it. Sometimes I feel as if the faster I run, the stronger the force gets. I look at my life and there is so much crazy in it that all I can do at times is laugh. I have little passion, lost dreams, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't even know who I am. When I was younger I had such spark. Now I have a failed marriage, lost friends, and my ambition is gone. So what if this force, my God, is calling out to me through all these things. What if I need to change. And there it is, that word, Change. So many of us is afraid of this word but it happens with or without our consent. To change can mean to transfer or convert, or to transfer from one to another. I need change. I need to change. I need something more then the way I have been living. I mean, I couldn't even tell you what I want out of life right now. I'm 27, that's not supposed to happen when you 27.

I know all to well that I don't have the privilege to play Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. But with the right state of mind and the right tools, I wont have to go to Bali. This week alone I have had lots of change. Its time to embrace it! My favorite time of year is around the corner. Everything from what I see, smell, and taste makes me fall in love with Autumn. It's a great time to learn to fall in love with myself. I have taken tiny steps to prepare for this. I've let got of lovers and friends. For myself, I need to fallow through with finding whatever it is that needs finding with in myself.

All you need is love?

Is love enough to keep a relationship going? Rather it be marriage or not. I have so many contradicting feelings towards this subject. For a person like myself that has a love complex maybe that's normal. A friend of mine is going through some issues that creates kindred feelings for us both. I was telling her I envision myself almost at war. I see myself in full mid-evil armor with my sward drawn high fighting for.... Myself, happiness, life, and maybe love. If I would have fought for my self all those years ago I would be in such a different place. I didn't though, and I have to let that go. I am just now starting to fight. Better late then never I guess.

I wonder if I would have fought earlier on in my marriage would we have made it. Anyone that's married knows that's its not all unicorns and rainbows. It takes work on both parts. When I was 20, I had no damn clue or even cared about what that meant. I thought how hard can it be? Oh how very wrong I was. I see people I know now making similar naive mistakes. I am trying to swallow my tongue when around such situations. We all have to learn on our own. I just hope they don't have to go as far as I did in learning what marriage really means. I'm not sure even now I know. This generation has such a contorted view on marriage. I could blog on that subject alone.

Love is such a powerful thing. It causes blurred vision and poor decision making. But is it enough? I myself, say no. At least now that's how I feel. Don't get me wrong I believe in love, but its just not enough. Love cant fix problems if who you love doesn't want them fixed. It doesn't put food on the table or keep your children warm at night. Though it can make you smile. It can make you laugh until you cry. It can bring happiness and make you feel as if you can do anything. Love can make you feel alive. I guess there has to be an even ground of love and practicality. So in hindsight,love isn't enough.

My Euphoria

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. Not that I should, and for the most part I don't. If you don't like what you see, then don't look. At certain times though when that little villain in my head grabs his mega phone and shouts "They think you are a loser!" over and over, I can't help but wonder. My current living situation is not outstanding at best. I am not in denial over that fact. I live with my "husband" who has lied, cheated, and can be down right cruel at times. To the blessed folk out there who have never been in such a situation as this, I may look weak and a tad vapid. For those who have been there you know things run much deeper. It has taken me years to even step up enough and say "I am not happy", "I need to leave", "I deserve better". Finding that inner strength is something that one has to do on their own. It's a process that can take your breath away and leave you feeling empty and abandoned. As hard as this maybe it was only one of the first steps I had to take, and many more to come. I do not understand why this is something that very rarely gets credit, this process or whatever you want to call is something that doesn't just happen over night. It takes time, planning, and bravery. Though all of it seems to be over looked. At the moment I feel as if the people in my life only see the end result. Leaving...

Everyone has one of those friends that bitch about things in their life yet never change their situation, never do anything to change what it is they are bitching about. I feel like I have become that person to my friends. Maybe I have. After years of complaining and bitching about my home life, they do not want to hear it anymore. I have stopped talking to many of them about it. It can be easy to make things look black and white when you are not going through it. However, I see all 50 shades of my fucked up grey. I also see the one shade of breath taking color that brings tears to my eyes when I think of it's beauty. I know certain people in my life only want whats best for me, they want me to be happy. Why can they not understand it takes time. My happiness isn't going to just fall in my lap once I am divorced. I have work to do on my self. For me to find happiness I have to look at what caused me to attract the things that are causing all this affliction in my life right now. It's like pulling weeds. If you don't get that weed by the root it is going to keep growing back until you do. My roots, both blissful and dark, need to be brought up and looked at to find where this little red haired girl lost her self worth. I want to know where I stopped trying. I will find it. I want my son to know that his mother was strong, that she worked hard and made her way through life. That she looked with fear in the eyes, laughed, and kept going. Me, myself, and I are the beaten path to find my bliss. It's not an easy path to walk down, but it's the path I have chosen. Because on the other end is health, euphoria, and prosperity.