All you need is love?

Is love enough to keep a relationship going? Rather it be marriage or not. I have so many contradicting feelings towards this subject. For a person like myself that has a love complex maybe that's normal. A friend of mine is going through some issues that creates kindred feelings for us both. I was telling her I envision myself almost at war. I see myself in full mid-evil armor with my sward drawn high fighting for.... Myself, happiness, life, and maybe love. If I would have fought for my self all those years ago I would be in such a different place. I didn't though, and I have to let that go. I am just now starting to fight. Better late then never I guess.

I wonder if I would have fought earlier on in my marriage would we have made it. Anyone that's married knows that's its not all unicorns and rainbows. It takes work on both parts. When I was 20, I had no damn clue or even cared about what that meant. I thought how hard can it be? Oh how very wrong I was. I see people I know now making similar naive mistakes. I am trying to swallow my tongue when around such situations. We all have to learn on our own. I just hope they don't have to go as far as I did in learning what marriage really means. I'm not sure even now I know. This generation has such a contorted view on marriage. I could blog on that subject alone.

Love is such a powerful thing. It causes blurred vision and poor decision making. But is it enough? I myself, say no. At least now that's how I feel. Don't get me wrong I believe in love, but its just not enough. Love cant fix problems if who you love doesn't want them fixed. It doesn't put food on the table or keep your children warm at night. Though it can make you smile. It can make you laugh until you cry. It can bring happiness and make you feel as if you can do anything. Love can make you feel alive. I guess there has to be an even ground of love and practicality. So in hindsight,love isn't enough.

What is this feeling?

I have had this very unsettling felling of discomfort lately. I almost cant put my finger on it, buts its a combination of guilt and unrest. I cant sleep at night though at the same time I am tired all the time. That's only making it worse. You know that feeling you get when you were a child, when an adult says your name while you are doing something that you shouldn't be doing and you jump? That's what I feel like.

What am I doing to make me feel this way? Maybe I am just sick of all the bull shit. Though it feels like its more then that. There is the constant mommy guilt that most mothers have for one reason or another. Mine is running a little deeper at the moment thanks to regret. I wish I could do so much more for my little man.

Maybe that's it. Regret, or should I say the past. My past. I am not very good about letting things go. How do you forgive yourself for decisions that you made when you were to young and to dumb to know at what coast you were making them. Have you ever heard of the term " Don't should all over yourself."? I should all over the damn place. I should have stayed in college, I should of had more self worth, I should of listened  to what people were trying to tell me. There is nothing I can do about all the shoulds. If your facing your past, it makes it awful hard to face your future. I heard someone say this past week, that's why they make rear view mirrors so small. You need to be paying attention to what is ahead of you.

To Pissy For Therapy?

I thought that it would be a good move on my part to start going to therapy. So there is a man at the church I have been going to, that is a licensed therapist. I was so proud of myself for taking yet another step on the road to healing!! I know that I have many issues that need addressing. I also know I need to let go and forgive things that happen in my past. So with my head held up high I walk in to this small, musty smelling house that sits across from my church. Having not met my new therapist I had no idea what to expect. As soon as I walk in the front door I was ushered into another small room and was told to shut the door until he (my therapist)  comes and gets me. I am sitting in this folding chair with high hopes of healing. How wrong I was. Within a few minutes my therapist ( lets call him Bob) comes and gets me. Bob ushers me into another small room, I have a seat and Bob excuses himself. With in minutes he is back with a small brown sack.

There was a lot of build up for me to even walk into this kind of situation. Like I said I know I needed it, but could I do it? I had two fears; One was that because this was a christian setting I would be told that I needed to work things out with my "husband", the other was I had no idea where to start? When you have as much shenanigans in your life as me, there is no good starting place. Friends assured me that Bob would start the conversation and everything else would fall in place. Well, that was a load of BOLOGNA!!

With small brown sack in hand Bob takes his seat across from me and asks, " Well Tiffany, why are you here?" REALLY!?!? I calmly say that I have no idea where to start. With a snort Bob declares he hears that a lot. You think? I found myself now looking around for some sort of certificate or diploma. I begin to dive in to my white trash story of my husband. How we started, what happen, and now the end. Few questions are asked, though I noticed that when Bob spoke he never would look at me. Half way through my explanation to why I am here he interrupts me to ask if I mind if he has a snack. Apparently Bob hasn't eaten since 5:30. What am I going to say that? " No Bob. I feel that is highly unprofessional." COME ON! As Bob finish his yogurt I continue my story. I was talking about friends and how they are trying to be supportive of my decision on leaving my husband. Bob asks " Why do your friends feel it is the right thing for you to leave him?" Ummm, HELLO? Have you been listening to to what I am saying or was your yogurt to delicious for you to pay attention? Maybe this is my problem- Am I to bitchy for therapy? I respond " Because that's what I want". Bob nods.

After my story comes to an end there is nothing but silence. I didn't know if I made him bored and maybe he fell asleep with his eyes open. Or maybe he was dumb founded. I go with the latter and say " I know, I have some issues." Bob laughs and says, "Yes, You do." For the next five minutes Bob is talking. Though I can't tell you a damn word the man said. I was to hung up over how the hell you can do this for a living when you can't even look your patient in the eyes when speaking to them. Next thing I know my time is up and I have an appointment for next week. I get to my car and wonder, what the hell just happen.

I decide to give it one more chance. I show up for my second session knowing if this doesn't go better I won't be back. I am going to make this part short for you. Bobs snack this time was a nice sandwich on whole wheat. I was interrupted at one point with Bob telling me that what I was saying wasn't important and he didn't want to talk about that. And lastly, with 20 minutes left of my session Bob looks at me and says " Are we done?" Why yes BOB! We are done.

Needless to say I didn't go back this week.

This is my new form of therapy! :)

Life Thus Far

Welcome to my blog-I am so excited to start this, though I should warn you this is partly for selfish reasons. I am hoping this will become some sort of outlet for me. As you get to know me, you will understand why. My name is Tiffany, and I am from Huntersville NC. It's just out side of Charlotte. I was born in Akron Ohio in 1985. Yes, I know I am young though I don't feel as young as I am. I moved to Charlotte NC when I was 11 years old with my mom, dad and sister. Due to the schools in the area my parents thought it would be best if I was home-schooled. It was a very isolating experience having just moved here. With in time my parents found a church that was starting a school, and that next fall I started. I meet friends and started to come out of my shell. I had always been a very animated child, and loved being the center of action. Even now that hasn't changed-haha! At the end of that school year we moved a little north of Charlotte and my parents found another small private school. This school was also apart of church, so I fit right in. It soon became my whole world. As I am told all good things come to an end and after some rumors and broken heart I left. It was a very dark time in my life, in fact 10 years later I find still hard to let go. The next school year my mother became sick and my father worked in Charleston SC. It became my job to nurse my mother back to health. I home-schooled myself and found I had enough credits to graduate early, so I did so. Soon after graduation I started going to a small Community College. This my friends is where the sweet little red head started to change. lol 

I can honestly say I really was a good child. Well, up until I turned 18. I had always been very involved person in church, and now I wasn't. I was trying to think of another way to put it, but there is really no other way. I had had my fill of the bible thumpers and wanted to see what all the hellions had to offer. Never really was in to drugs and I kept my legs closed till I was 18. But damn did the freedom feel good. During my new found freedom we had a family tragedy that broke my heart. I stopped going to school and started working in a daycare full time. What I was thinking I have no idea. I have always loved kids and I think I am pretty good with them, but why couldn't I have become a bartender or something. At any rate I meet my husband through a co-worker and with-in 2 weeks I moved in and after another 3 or 4 months I was pregnant. Thats right!! One classy girl I tell ya! Now that I look back on it all I was in a daze. Just going about the motions. When our son was 2 we got married. Biggest mistake I have ever made. And trust me, I have made some big ones.

My "husband" I found out, has had a 2 year long affaire, lost his job started messing with drugs here and there. To top it off, moved in and had a relationship with a 16 year old! Thats right, you didn't misread that, a 16 year old. I got a lawyer, did what I could which wasn't to much and tried to move on. My heart was broken into way to many pieces. About 8 months later I had a small stroke at work. My "husband" moved back in to help with bills, and I quit my job. Believe it or not working with children is very stressful! I thought well, he can help me go back to school. I put him through school, so he can help me now. Though he still loves me and has "left" all his messes behind, I am not the type of person to forgive and just let go. Living with someone who has hurt you so badly, not to mention what all this has done to our son, is just to hard. I am trying to find my way letting go to God, trying to build my strength up. Easier said then done right?

So this is it. This is my journey to finding my self and building a life for my son and I. I know I have some self worth in there somewhere. And I know one day, I will find someone to love me and my son.