The Mob

So I have a new obsession-Mob Wives. It is the trashiest, most low class, drama filled show. And I love it!!! If you haven't seen the show, its about 4 women who all have various connections to the mob in New York. For whatever reason, these women are friends. Or try to be. All the drama pulls me in! The show has been on for a few years, though I have just started watching it, thanks to netflixs and it's lack of appealing movies. I love how these women take themselves so seriously. The fighting from pulling hair to bitch slaps keeps me coming back for more. The show it self is like an advertisement for cosmetic surgery. Big lips, big boobs, large earrings and heavy makeup must be a requirement to be on the show. My mouth just hangs open in surprise during every episode. I highly recommend checking it out.Today a dear friend and I was watching some of Season 2. My friend made the comment several times, "What is this show really about?" My answer, NOTHING!!!

These past few weeks have been some seriously long weeks. I am so clueless right now its not even funny. Meaning, I am trying to keep moving forward. I want to say that this is not going exactly well, but maybe I'm just being to hard on myself. I have been through alot, my mind just seems to get cloudy from time to time. Not working is making things difficult. I am going to go to nursing school, though to get in I need to get my CNA. I was hoping to take a 4 week CNA course, start working, and save money so I can leave Mr. I'm gonna stick it where I can get it. Mr. Stick its hours have been cut at work, making the possibility of me taking my CNA course seem more like a dream then something in my reach. I want to make the right decisions, I feel like I am just wasting time. I just wish something would happen for the good. My inner self feels a little beaten and bruised at the moment and could use a break. Tomorrow is a new day, so for now, I am going to let these thoughts go, and start looking for answers again then.

My Euphoria

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. Not that I should, and for the most part I don't. If you don't like what you see, then don't look. At certain times though when that little villain in my head grabs his mega phone and shouts "They think you are a loser!" over and over, I can't help but wonder. My current living situation is not outstanding at best. I am not in denial over that fact. I live with my "husband" who has lied, cheated, and can be down right cruel at times. To the blessed folk out there who have never been in such a situation as this, I may look weak and a tad vapid. For those who have been there you know things run much deeper. It has taken me years to even step up enough and say "I am not happy", "I need to leave", "I deserve better". Finding that inner strength is something that one has to do on their own. It's a process that can take your breath away and leave you feeling empty and abandoned. As hard as this maybe it was only one of the first steps I had to take, and many more to come. I do not understand why this is something that very rarely gets credit, this process or whatever you want to call is something that doesn't just happen over night. It takes time, planning, and bravery. Though all of it seems to be over looked. At the moment I feel as if the people in my life only see the end result. Leaving...

Everyone has one of those friends that bitch about things in their life yet never change their situation, never do anything to change what it is they are bitching about. I feel like I have become that person to my friends. Maybe I have. After years of complaining and bitching about my home life, they do not want to hear it anymore. I have stopped talking to many of them about it. It can be easy to make things look black and white when you are not going through it. However, I see all 50 shades of my fucked up grey. I also see the one shade of breath taking color that brings tears to my eyes when I think of it's beauty. I know certain people in my life only want whats best for me, they want me to be happy. Why can they not understand it takes time. My happiness isn't going to just fall in my lap once I am divorced. I have work to do on my self. For me to find happiness I have to look at what caused me to attract the things that are causing all this affliction in my life right now. It's like pulling weeds. If you don't get that weed by the root it is going to keep growing back until you do. My roots, both blissful and dark, need to be brought up and looked at to find where this little red haired girl lost her self worth. I want to know where I stopped trying. I will find it. I want my son to know that his mother was strong, that she worked hard and made her way through life. That she looked with fear in the eyes, laughed, and kept going. Me, myself, and I are the beaten path to find my bliss. It's not an easy path to walk down, but it's the path I have chosen. Because on the other end is health, euphoria, and prosperity.

Life Thus Far

Welcome to my blog-I am so excited to start this, though I should warn you this is partly for selfish reasons. I am hoping this will become some sort of outlet for me. As you get to know me, you will understand why. My name is Tiffany, and I am from Huntersville NC. It's just out side of Charlotte. I was born in Akron Ohio in 1985. Yes, I know I am young though I don't feel as young as I am. I moved to Charlotte NC when I was 11 years old with my mom, dad and sister. Due to the schools in the area my parents thought it would be best if I was home-schooled. It was a very isolating experience having just moved here. With in time my parents found a church that was starting a school, and that next fall I started. I meet friends and started to come out of my shell. I had always been a very animated child, and loved being the center of action. Even now that hasn't changed-haha! At the end of that school year we moved a little north of Charlotte and my parents found another small private school. This school was also apart of church, so I fit right in. It soon became my whole world. As I am told all good things come to an end and after some rumors and broken heart I left. It was a very dark time in my life, in fact 10 years later I find still hard to let go. The next school year my mother became sick and my father worked in Charleston SC. It became my job to nurse my mother back to health. I home-schooled myself and found I had enough credits to graduate early, so I did so. Soon after graduation I started going to a small Community College. This my friends is where the sweet little red head started to change. lol 

I can honestly say I really was a good child. Well, up until I turned 18. I had always been very involved person in church, and now I wasn't. I was trying to think of another way to put it, but there is really no other way. I had had my fill of the bible thumpers and wanted to see what all the hellions had to offer. Never really was in to drugs and I kept my legs closed till I was 18. But damn did the freedom feel good. During my new found freedom we had a family tragedy that broke my heart. I stopped going to school and started working in a daycare full time. What I was thinking I have no idea. I have always loved kids and I think I am pretty good with them, but why couldn't I have become a bartender or something. At any rate I meet my husband through a co-worker and with-in 2 weeks I moved in and after another 3 or 4 months I was pregnant. Thats right!! One classy girl I tell ya! Now that I look back on it all I was in a daze. Just going about the motions. When our son was 2 we got married. Biggest mistake I have ever made. And trust me, I have made some big ones.

My "husband" I found out, has had a 2 year long affaire, lost his job started messing with drugs here and there. To top it off, moved in and had a relationship with a 16 year old! Thats right, you didn't misread that, a 16 year old. I got a lawyer, did what I could which wasn't to much and tried to move on. My heart was broken into way to many pieces. About 8 months later I had a small stroke at work. My "husband" moved back in to help with bills, and I quit my job. Believe it or not working with children is very stressful! I thought well, he can help me go back to school. I put him through school, so he can help me now. Though he still loves me and has "left" all his messes behind, I am not the type of person to forgive and just let go. Living with someone who has hurt you so badly, not to mention what all this has done to our son, is just to hard. I am trying to find my way letting go to God, trying to build my strength up. Easier said then done right?

So this is it. This is my journey to finding my self and building a life for my son and I. I know I have some self worth in there somewhere. And I know one day, I will find someone to love me and my son.